Breadwinner Bah Humbug!…..

With memories of the holidays in the forefront of our minds, this time of year warrants a true moment of reflection. Despite the real reason behind the season, all too often we get wrapped up in the material temptations of the holidays. The financial stressors that surround gift-giving can be a real monster for many families. If we are not careful, the pressures of the holidays can wreak havoc on our relationships. The destructive effect of money on family dynamics can be even more amplified in relationships containing a female breadwinner. How do female breadwinners and their mates handle the big-ticket financial demands of holiday gift-giving?

When the income hierarchy in a marriage is inverted (compared with a traditional arrangement), feelings of resentment regarding power and control can become more evident in times of financial strain.  Couples containing a female breadwinner will fall into a groove regarding money management based on several influences. Many of these influences were solidified during our formative years, as we observed the financial behaviors of mom and dad. We are also influenced by the talents and strengths that each partner brings to the relationship. One partner may naturally be better at money management. In addition, we make adjustments in the handling of marital finances based on behavior patterns displayed during the marriage. Each couple will develop a unique profile regarding money matters, and it will not necessarily feel ideal for all parties involved.

Based on my interviews, the overwhelming sentiment among female breadwinners is that financial competency is an extremely important quality in a mate! Female breadwinners may value financial know-how even more than the traditional wife. To this end, some couples containing a breadwinning wife may start off the relationship with joint bank accounts. But if she discovers that her man is frivolous or irresponsible with money, she may initiate a separation of funds at some point during that marriage.

Men can begin to process her reaction by understanding this: as a woman, with innate maternal and nurturing instincts, she feels that she must protect her nest at all costs. If she has children to care for, this reaction may be even more pronounced. The financial welfare of her offspring is of paramount importance. If she feels that her husband’s behavior is placing their financial solvency at risk, she will metaphorically kick him out of the nest! And as the higher earner in the marriage, she has the freedom to do that. Once their financial accounts are separate, money mistakes on his part may have less impact on her own financial well-being. Whether right or wrong, this approach is an attempt to protect her nest egg from financial devastation.

So when big-ticket items need purchasing, how do these couples proceed? Does she buy all the holiday gifts for the kids and family because she has the bigger bank account? Does she give him an allotment of money to cover the greater than normal holiday expenditures? Does he purchase what he can from his account, and leave the rest up to her? When big-ticket purchases arise in a marriage, both partners may experience feelings of resentment. She may tire of having the lion’s share of financial responsibilities in the marriage; and he may feel emasculated because he can’t afford such purchases on his own.

How are we handling this new income hierarchy within the culture of American relationships? The female breadwinner is the newest category of American wife. The more we understand how she thinks and acts, the better off these relationships will be! If the husbands feel financially dejected, the holidays may feel worse than salt being rubbed in a wound. Couples must communicate honestly about how the separation of funds makes them feel, and the logic behind such actions. The materialism of Christmas has the potential to expose enough hidden emotions to dampen the holiday spirit; leaving both partners saying, “Breadwinner. Bah Humbug!”