The Tin Woman…

I am forever intrigued by the stories I gather from speaking with women who are the breadwinners- or higher earners- in their marriages. There is a vast tapestry of coping strategies that these women create to sustain themselves in a marriage that can feel backwards compared with social tradition. An inversed income hierarchy can have many unexpected effects on a marriage and the two individuals involved. How does income potential affect each partner’s behavior as it relates to gender roles within the marriage?

During my journey, I have been inspired by many stories of female breadwinners like myself. The story of one woman, in particular, has always stayed with me – we will call her Anna, The Tin Woman. Anna is an older lady with a background in education; she has made a good living in the school system and is nearing retirement. Her husband, John, is a musician, making a living by following his passion. Anna is responsible for the majority of the household bills and other financial obligations. Because John’s income is very sporadic, which is expected in his line of work, Anna had to assume the role of financial leader in the marriage many years ago. At the time I met her, the couple had recently purchased their “dream home” during the booming “seller’s market” in U.S. real estate before the recession.

The couple expected that Anna would work until retirement, after which point she would receive a steady pension from the school system, and John would contribute financially when he was able. At some point in the future, the couple assumed they could make a few dollars from the sale of the home. Then the day came that neither expected- Anna was laid off from her job.

When Anna discovered the news, she was in shock. She tried to figure out the best way to tell her husband. She tried to process it all- loss of steady income; new mortgage; and loss of medical insurance for an aging couple (which Anna’s job had previously provided for both Anna and John).  When John returned home from his gig that night, Anna broke the news to him. His response? He cried.

Of all the reactions she could have expected, Anna was not prepared for that one. Anna’s emotions stiffened as she tried to comfort John. Not only was their world falling apart, but in John’s mind, he had no ability to pitch and fix it. Anna began to mentally map out a plan of how the couple should proceed, and financially what options were open to them.  At that moment, Anna had a revelation.  Unbeknownst to her, she had been slowly transforming into a Tin Woman over the years of her marriage. In her marriage, her higher income had translated into a position of power – whether she liked it or not. It is almost as if her more feminine instinct to depend on a man had been forced to shut down in order to survive. And after decades of marriage, Anna is still keeping it all together for the both of them.  Here’s my question- when does the Tin Woman get to cry?